How I wished…

“What do you love about me?”

“I love everything about you; your eyes, your nose but most importantly, your smile and love for me.”

“But... I do not know what I love about you. Let’s just break up.”

Yes, I was heartless. That was a conversation of my boyfriend and me when I was younger. I do not care about others’ feelings until I met you. You have changed everything about me, every single one. How I wished I have never know you. But I can’t.

___

One day, I received a text message on my phone.

-Hey! Hello JunSu!- I was quite taken back by this anonymous person that sent a message to my number. Maybe that person got the wrong number.

-I’m sorry, but do I know you?-I replied and continue what I was doing earlier. Before I could proceed doing anything, I felt a vibration from my phone. I took it closer to my face and the text message read:

-Maybe you have seen me in school before. :) :) - I wondered who this person was. So we carried on to text one another regarding your identity.

-Can’t you just tell me your name already? Lol.- I texted you back because I couldn’t wait any longer to know who I am texting with the whole night. I do not like the feeling of being unknown.

-I’m YooChun, your senior. Ring a bell?- Actually nothing came into my mind when you mentioned your name. I put down my pen and started thinking who this person was. Still, no bells were ringing.

-Not really. Did I actually meet you before? Hah.-

I tried thinking who you were. I felt bad for not remembering you at all.

-We met during the team camp, remember?-

-Still no bells ringing. Throw in more clues. Haha.-

-Remember the section where you are supposed to pick out straws from a pool of flour?-

Okay I think I heard silent bells ringing. I think I recalled someone who played flour with me after the game station was concluded. With the leftover flour, someone threw a handful worth of flour towards me. Being a slowpoke, I reacted slowly and got hit by the snow-liked flour on my hair and face. Seeking revenge, I grabbed a handful worth of flour and launched forward to return the attack. But I was stopped by my team leader because we are supposed to head off to another game station. Maybe you were the one.

-Are you the one who attacked me with flour?!-

-Yes I was the one. Finally you remembered who I was!! I’m delighted!- I smiled at the text message. I can picture you with a happy smile plastered across your face.

I remembered this is how we first talk to each other over a communication channel. I was actually excited to meet you in person because you protracted to me a friendly and warm image. I knew I had to meet you. How I wish we could talk this like, again.

___

Ever since then, we have been hanging out a lot during school time and after school. A lot of our school mates were getting suspicious of our relationship. But I do not care what they are saying about us. I am comfortable as who we are now, brothers.

I was visiting my grandmother off the outskirt of Seoul when we were texting each other, as usual. Just then, I received a message which content is something that I would never expect, although it was something that came across my mind.

-Will you, Kim JunSu, willing to be my partner? -

I was goofing around with my cousins when I received your text. I didn’t give a serious thought about it since I was in a happy-go-lucky mood. I immediately replied a yes even though I wasn’t sure what was I signing on.

-Sure! Why not?! Hahaha-

That was how we started our relationship as lovers. How I wished this moment had never happen.

___

Since I have met you, my character changed. I became more extrovert and outgoing. You have opened my world to a totally new dimension. I was glad you came into my life. However, life is full of sudden events.

Dear Junsu,

You know I have strict parents. Now I am like a strapped bird in a cage. I can’t go out of my house because the main exams are coming and my parents are very worried about my declining grades. Since it’s my last year of school, it is really important to me. They’ve even confiscated my phone from me. That is why I wrote a letter to you. I want you to know that I will always love you like now, forever and ever. Remember this okay! My dearest dolphin! Do not miss me too much okay? Once the exam is over, I promise you can have the whole of me! Meanwhile, please study hard for your exams too.

Love,

Yoochun

I read the letter and put it aside, into my mini safe box. I continued to study but my mind was filled with you, and only you. Since then, you wrote me umpteen copies of letter that my mini safe box was exploding with them. But one day, I received a letter that I would never want to receive.

Dear love,

I am so sorry for not spending any time with you. You know how sad I am right? I am so sorry. The studies are tedious for me. I cannot manage both sides well; you and studies. I have to forgo one so that I can concentrate on one. I am so sorry dear. I have to study hard so as not to disappoint my parents. You have no idea how stress I have been these days thinking about you and my studies. I cannot take it anymore, dear. Sigh. I know you hate me now for doing this, but I have no choice. I am so sorry. Please forgive me. Let’s just break up.

Apologies,

Your YooChun

I have no idea tears were already streaming down my cheeks as I read this in my room. I wanted to salvage this relationship, but I couldn’t, because your studies are at stake, meaning your future. I do not want your future to be diminished because of my selfish act. I believe that our love will last, because you promise me that you will spend time with me after the exams, after all, I am the only person you loved in this world, right? How I wished this was the truth.

The time without you was hard to manage. I was lethargic for most of the time because I couldn’t get over the fact that we had broke up already. I thought out mighty love would conquer all difficulties but I was wrong. I decided to do something after your exams were over. I was hoping that everything would revert back to what we use to have, but how wrong I was.

___

I came by your house the day after your papers ended. I was holding on to your favourite chocolates and a letter that was hand-written by me. You wouldn’t know how much tears will spill in the process of writing it, but I was elated that your papers were finally over and we can start anew again. After sometime, I saw a silhouette wearing a school uniform walking towards my direction. I smiled from ear to ear as I waited patiently for your presence to be in front of me. I waited so long to be able to see you, I longed for you warm from your hugs and your kisses. I missed every part of you so badly that a single tear escaped my eye. I brushed it off because all my suffering would end soon, after a minute, or so I thought. I can see that your footsteps got heavier when you were approaching your apartment, I thought you delighted to see me, but how wrong was I.

“Dear!” I jumped over to give you a tight hug. But you didn’t return the hug because I wouldn’t feel the warm from you. The warm you use to shower me with, the warm that I have longed for, the warm that I realize was lost the moment when I hugged you. I knew something was off but I brushed the thought off because I knew there was a happy reunion waiting for you, me; us.

“Here! I’ve got you chocolates and a hand written letter!” I handed over the items to you. You extended your arms forward slowly; I can tell that you were reluctant to receive my presents. I do not want to question you why. I do not want us to quarrel over minor issues like this because I am awaiting the long waited reunion and that it is going to happen soon.

“Are you happy that I came by my dear?” I asked him. I realize that ever since we’ve met, you haven’t said a word. I wondered why but I kept my silent.

“JunSu… why are you here? I thought you were busy.” You sounded low and unconcern.

“You are more important of course. I missed you so much!” I tried to sound as happy as I can be because I knew something was amiss. I wanted my chirpy mood to destroy the unhappiness within you.

“I... missed you… too. But…but things are different now.”

“How are things different?” I looked into your eyes. I want to know why this is happening, because what I feared is happening.

“We broke up, JunSu. You shouldn’t have come here.”

“But I thought you said I am your only love?! You promised me that you will spend time with me after your exams ended?!” I end off my sentence in a demanding tone. I wanted to know why. *plays KYHD*

“Look Junsu.” You grab hold of both my arms and looked straight into my eyes. “We are done and over with.” Someone please slap me. I need to be awake of this horrible and terrifying dream of reality; this harsh and cruel truth.

“But… why…” before I couldn’t even finish my sentence, you took off into your apartments, leaving me stranded on the lonely pathway. As I watch your back leaving me, I felt the cold and hard fact hit on me, the fact that you are leaving me. It wasn’t an easy task. I bit my lips as I wanted to launch forward and grab hold of the love we share, the love we used to share. But it was all gone; disappeared into thin air. But a part of me is holding back, because I love you too much, I am letting you go, letting all of it go. YooChun, can you hear my heart calling out for you. No, I know you can’t because you abandoned me. I am crying, so is my heart. But at the same time, it is bleeding. I could feel my internal organs bursting over of my already lost-control body. I wanted to explode, but I know this is not the right place. I took the last look of your apartments, because I know if I walk out of here, I will never ever going to come back to this place, where it is filled of sorrow. I feel an imaginary stab at my heart when I realize you were long gone, you did not even look back at me, not even a slightness bit. I finally accepted the truth, you left me. I dragged my feet off the pathway and walked aimlessly around your neighbourhood. I wanted to hide and pour my tears out. I want to remove my heart so that it would not hurt so badly, so bad that it would suffocate me if I am hurt any further.

After that meeting, we did not meet again. My heart and mind just died. I could not think and eat properly. I cried to sleep every night, reading your letter over and over again. I know what I am doing can’t bring you back to my side, but I just want to recall my memories with you. I am doing what I can to heal my heartbreak but nothing is healing my wound. Not even a sorry from you can heal the wound. It permanently left a scar that naked eye can’t see, but what a broken heart can feel. I had a thousand WHYs to ask you, but i bottled it down within myself. Because I that even when I have the answers, you will not be here anymore.

All beautiful moments have an end, so does ours.

The beautiful memories that we have shared, are stored in my safe-lock mind. What can lock it will be the key of sadness.

___

Dear YooChun,

We have been dating for 2 years now. The time we spent together was great. I have always been thankful to God for sending an angel like you down to earth instead of making you stay by his side. You were so kind and gentle towards me, making me fall deeper and deeper each day without fail. I was so thankful. I knew you loved me too, just like how I loved you. And I know you loved me more than I do. My mum often said it’s always better to find someone who loves you more than you do. I’m thankful for that as well. How i wish...

Loving you always,

Junsu